Posted by: Frank Walker LMFT | January 19, 2017

When You Disagree…


When You Disagree.

  • Show respect.

When you get into a disagreement you need to maintain respect for the person you disagree with. They have just as much right to their opinion as you do. Even if they are wrong. What is wrong anyway? So much of what we argue about is just opinion anyway.

When you don’t give respect then the argument goes down a rabbit hole. It becomes a name calling, accusing, free for all that, makes everybody a loser. The point of any disagreement is to come to an agreement.

Give respect for the ideas, opinions and beliefs of others.

  • Assume the good.

You have to believe that the other person assumes good. They think they have a better idea, even a good idea.

Most of the time their intentions are honorable.

  • It’s not evil.

Your disagreement isn’t evil. It’s just a disagreement. Unless it is really evil.

What your spouse is arguing for isn’t evil though it might seem that way.

But if you looked a little closer it isn’t an evil intent on their part. It’s just a difference in thoughts and opinions.

If there is evil intent, then there are bigger problems that need to be dealt with.

  • Try understanding.

You have heard the phrase about walking in another’s shoes. You really need to take some time to understand the intent of the other person you’re arguing with.

Understanding is a key to the whole problem.

Ask what, why and how. Dig a little deeper before you pounce on the person you are arguing with. Take a chance at understanding where they are coming from. Take a look at the background for the disagreement. It may not have anything to do with why you are arguing.

Take a breath and try to understand.

  • Stay on task. Focus on the issue.

Stay on the topic. Too many times an argument goes way far away from the initial intent.

We drag out old issues, ancient histories and yes prejudices.

Remember what you are there for. Stay with the issue.

  • Don’t blame.

You are not on trial and neither are they. So, there is no need for a judge or jury. Don’t accuse anybody.

Don’t use words like “never or always”. Because that is never the truth and you spin off to a place you really don’t want to go or need to go.

So, stay on task and stay away from judgements and accusations.

  • Relationships matter the most.

This is not a win or lose situation. It never is.

The most important thing in any disagreement is that the relationship has to stay intact.

If what you have to say will damage the relationship. Then be quiet.

Take a breath say it a different way. Protect your relationship.

  • Your goal is resolution.

You’re arguing for a reason. There is a problem to be solved. The “reason” should be to come to some solution.

Focus on the solution to your problem.

Compromise when and where you have to.

Don’t give in unless things are fair. But don’t be stubborn and find a fair resolution to the problem.

There is a common ground. There is an answer.



Frank J Walker LMFT

1617 Main Street

Cambria, Ca. 93428


Frank’s books are available @

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